Obstacles along this journey.

This post is about me. So, if you are looking for news on the boys, or some light-hearted conversation, this post is one you should skip.

I am going to write my thoughts down in hopes that I can then let go and allow positive change to happen.

I have been pain free since January 18, 2008. Until this past month. It started gradually. I did a lot of sand running (pushing Kade 'underdog' on the swing) and my foot started to complain that evening. I thought it was just because I haven't done that type of physical activity in years. But, alas, no. The week that followed was on and off discomfort. This past week, my foot has been "vibrating" or buzzing continuously to varying degrees. I have noticed the cold much faster. When I do get chilly feet, it takes longer for my left foot to warm up. Now, I'm not in constant pain so far - which is good. But what I do feel has set my emotions going.

At first, it was just shock. Shock that after all this time, I am starting to go backwards. Shock that even though I put the foot in the cold stream this spring, in the ocean itself, in the pool water all summer long...shock that my brain is still going haywire.

After shock comes anger and depression. Anger that my body is rejecting normalcy. Anger that it affects my mood. Anger that it affects what I can do. Anger that it affects how I interact with my family. Depression tries to make itself at home...and it's a battle to see the world with fresh eyes. Eyes of love and trust in the universe.

I know that bodies change as they get older. I know that just as I can not expect to have the body I had before children, I can not expect to have the body I had before RSD. I can see my children and be perfectly happy with my postpartum body. I can see the graffiti they have decorated me with...their personal tattoos they have left me. I can see that and celebrate it. I am a mother of two beautiful children. How, now, can I see my post RSD body as beautiful and the way it's supposed to be? I must find the way to make that happen. I will find peace here in me...in this body I have been given.

My anger is also fed by the thought that I had been eating so well, taking good care of my body. So, as my sick logic goes, why work so hard at eating well and taking good care of my body if it doesn't make any difference. Now I know in my head that this reasoning is flawed. I know that eating well does make a difference. I know that taking care of my body makes a difference, too. However, emotions are not known to be logical.

I am also angry to have to admit that I am not all the way healed. This is tough for me. I have spent so many hours in these last few years seeing myself as whole and healed. So much time spent. So many dreams visualized. I had so much time living that reality - 10 long months. 10. That's 3 times as long as the last time I was pain and sensation free. 3 times. I should be happy that it is getting longer in between. I should see this cup as half full, not half empty.

Coming down from a high is never easy.

I need to feel these emotions and let them go.

Now I'm just trying to manage a fall that is not too severe. I want my smile to be immediate and without hesitation. I want to celebrate what I wear - whether or not my feet are free and naked. I want to laugh and play with my children. I want to bask in the warmth that comes from the love Jeff and I share.

I shall revisit the wisdom of Byron Katie.

I will start giving myself a break from all this worry and emotional turmoil.
I will start treating my body better.
I will start eating things that I know are healing.
I will see myself whole...and exactly where I need to be.