Where to start?

Well, I think I will start with today and work backwards...



Mardi Gras. Well, for us, it hasn't been a part of our lives so far. However, we have friends who enjoy this celebration. So, off to the internet to do some researching about it and talking about what we are going to dress up as. Well, to the boys, they just love being what they love to be. Kai was a ninja and Kade was Luke Skywalker ***correction: BlackOut Skywalker***. I was, well, me - but a bit on the 'out there' side of me. I did enlist Annie's help. She had a nice couple of shirts that I wore. I had some striped tights (blue and green) (don't ask why) that worked for the funk factor. I also used Kade's face paints to set myself up with a painted design. As an aside: when at park day someone says the pink does stain the face, not only believe them, but remember! So, this is what we looked like on our way to the party.







We had a wonderful time! The boys love playing with their friends. I didn't realize it until we got home and I was taking our things out of the car that Kade had made his own mask. I was happily surprised by this. He is so creative, but when there are friends to play with it can be tough to stay still long enough to design things. What made this one even more special for me is he says I can keep it! ****Kade has now decided Jeff can have the mask. At least I know it's going to a good home!****

Forgot to mention. The party had several homeschoolers there. One woman asked me questions about what we do, how we do it, and how we make it work. I answered the best I could. It's a tough thing to describe to someone who doesn't really want to trust themselves or their kids *that* much. She mentioned she has a hard time getting her and her daughter enough physical activity. I don't know what to say to people when this comes up. First, I haven't been physically active for a long time, but hope to get back to that now that my foot is again pain free. Second, I couldn't force my kids to be still if I tried. Now, they don't really do anything that I can always categorize...except for Kai's karate. Sometimes we go swimming or something like that. However, I find we just end up doing things. For example, today Kade found the flashlight and started playing with it. There are so many options for these. The other day we played flashlight tag (note: it's better outside than in...and probably better for the neighbors if you start playing before 9:30pm). Today, however, he brought it to me and asked that I move it around and not let him 'catch' it. We used to play with our puppy this way. Cats love to do it. It's been seen on Family Guy. Chasing a light can, at least to Kade, be incredibly fun. So fun that you spend thirty minutes playing it. Yes. 30. How can I explain this to someone who thinks things need to be planned, coordinated and or committed (P, C and C) to? Granted, there may be times when my kids will want things that are P, C and or C'd, but they seem to be creative enough to find ways to be active, without me having to ever pressure them.

It was pretty funny watching Kade.

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Food. Well, you may know I have been trying to celebrate food. For many this is an easy task. I have one friend in particular of whom I just love to watch interact with what she eats. I normally don't enjoy watching people eat. And, I really don't like watching her, either. What I do like is how much she expresses her joy of the food. You can see it in her eyes. She dabbles in everything individually first. Then starts mixing an matching. She savors the tastes and simply enjoys food.

This is such a paradox to me. My body needs food just like every other being. Yet I do struggle to enjoy it. So, watching my friend really helps me. It proves that I can love food and the flavors it brings. I can enjoy the smell, texture and flavors. It is possible. Yet, I don't always. I am sensitive to textures. I love flavor, but it has to be a certain flavor at a certain time. I have no delusion that I'll ever enjoy food the way she does. I do hope I can at least gain an appreciation for the sustenance I do intake. See? I even write about it clinically! What I truly want is to appreciate food so that I get full nourishment from it and actually get to the point where I remember to eat and look forward to it. To help get me there, I have been taking pictures of food that I like. My tastes are crazy, but I'm willing to work from where I am!


Kai picked up a sweet potato and asked for us to buy it so he could taste it. OK, no problem. We brought it home and I cooked it. He didn't like the taste, but I do. I worked at a restaurant a long time ago that had a sweet potato pancake that was so tasty. I looked on the internet and found a recipe that I thought would make something similar to what I remember. It did! Yum is what it is! Here is a picture (just to be true to my word).


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Cool creations is what I think of when I see this:





Now, they boys immediately thought of getting the fan out and seeing if it would actually move...so there is a video coming.

Well, that's it for now. I'm going to go dye some clothes and play with my family.

I lied, I have more to post. Just not this second.

in keeping with my promise to myself

I am grateful to be able to wear these right now.


Yesterday I wore these:















Today I'm wearing these:

I think I'll alternate each day... Now I just have to make a change in my wardrobe to fit with the shoes. I'm having fun.

OK, more henna

I hate to waste it! So here are a few pictures of what I did last night. However, it is past its prime, so the stain is not too dark on the back of my hand. I wanted to do a design that supported the one I did on the palm. I also included a new picture of the palm to show how dark it turned out this time! It has reached its peak in color, I think.

I also have great life to report! I am wearing these... From dream to reality.








***As an after note: I wore these shoes for 4 hours today. Granted, most of that time was not spent on my feet. What I have noticed is our counter tops don't appear to be as tall as they do normally *and* I can reach things on the second shelf of the cabinets without getting the stool! Secondly, wearing heels is like roller skating. It's a bit of an adjustment when you first start out, but you get used to it. Once the heels come off, there is still an adjustment time. My physical aftermath is minimal and consists of the normal sensations experienced when one wears shoes that are new and have pressures in places one is not accustomed to. Structural, not electrical. I'm a smilin'!

Gifts

Now that Baba has received her birthday gifts, I can post the picture of them in the process of being done. I love the rice socks, and Kade and I (sometimes Kai) enjoy the warmth they provide us nightly. I also like them when I can't seem to get my foot warm - these work almost as well as hot water, but without the pressure of the water on the foot or the after shock of the cool air. Anyhoo, they are easy, easy to make. Take a clean men's crew sock. Fill the foot half full of rice and knot the top. Decorate with markers. For added interest, you can add an essential oil of your choice or dried herbs inside the sock itself before you knot it. These are great for a kid project as it takes so little time and they can put as much effort into it as they feel like (even decorate it in shifts) and still get something they want. When new, one of these will be warm enough in about 30 seconds in the microwave! Can't beat the speed. It's pretty much the only thing we use the microwave for. Hope you try it out, those of you who crawl into a cold bed at night might like this ever so much!


The blank sock ended up having a few flowers and a few thin petals on it. A great henna design gone wild on a sock!


It's fun to see the pictures that are arriving on our computer. Now that she has her own computer up and running, I'm sure I will find less and less of these on here. Too bad for me and you.

For those of you who have now seen the big pictures of the dream shoes...well I have been trying to think of ways to see this foot thing in a positive way. I think I have been thinking too much about healing and not enough about living. All my focus has been on what I need to do to get back to health and not how I'm spending my time. I had a major energy shift on the 7th, of which I have only lapsed back into a funk once since then, and the 7th is the day I decided I would just start living my life and putting my focus there.

While at dinner with Jeff the other weekend, I noticed one of the employees had on a gorgeous pair of heels. OK, so if you know me, and have known me for the last 12 years or so you may find it funny that I want to wear heels at all! Truth is, I hated them when I was required to wear them every day. However, now that I have stopped resenting that time (heehee), I find I would truly enjoy dressing up and wearing heels again. So, to honor that thought, I have posted the pictures of my favorites here so I am reminded of how cool they are! And of how I will put a pair of heels on every day I am pain free...and take advantage of the time I can wear them when I get it again. I think I told Jeff I'd wear them every day, but that may be just a tad of an exaggeration...

Mainly, though, I am giving thanks for the new shoes I have made for myself and the fact that I am living this fabulous life I have with my now family of 5. I thank this universe whole heartedly.

It is also wonderful that I was able to see a movie with the man today!!! A date, you say? Well in the 10 years we have been together we have now seen a total of 8 movies in the theater without our young ones there. Most of those eight times were before Kai was born! Maybe we can rectify the lapses of time between since we both truly enjoy that time seeing the shows. At least I hope to go often enough to remember to bring a tissue with me - since it seems I will always cry during every movie I see! Wet hanky gal that I am.

I am also grateful to the friends who entertained our boys while Jeff and I got a whoppin' 5 hours of today to spend together...THANKS!

The last few days...

This post is divided into 3 parts. Three separate happenings, thankfully. The middles section is a bit over the edge of propriety, so read on if you wish. You have been forewarned.

I took the camera on our birthday celebration dinner. Kade had said it would please him to give Daddy a dinner at Chili's ~ so off to Chili's we went. We had a good time with Annie, Josh, Kai, Kade, Jeff and I. I started to take pictures, but everyone seemed to indicate that it was enough. So, here are the few I did manage.









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Since Annie arrived, the boys have had fun putting the fake poop around her room for her to find. She was definitely disgusted the first time (much to her younger brothers' enjoyment) but quickly took part in the fun. Eventually the fake pile ended up in the main living area. Then into the kitchen. Well, we started thinking this would be a nice little present for Annie first thing in the morning...since she is the first to get to the kitchen. I like the chop stick idea.



Then we thought maybe on food would be nicer.



In the end we opted for this. The image it put in our minds was so nasty we ended up laughing till we all cried. Even more so when I mentioned : "Oh, if only our friends could see us now."



So, friends, we had to share! For those of you who don't have the benefit of living with boys, I do ask the bald man often if the behaviors I see are normal. He assures me most of the time that indeed, these are all normal boy behaviours.

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I *love* these!



I finished the 2 at a time socks (yes, Maynord, two). I so enjoyed doing them both at the same time, too, and now only have a smidgen of yarn left, as you can see.



I had moccasins I loved, but that had a thick seam right along the top outside of the foot. I can't have pressure there, so decided to dismantle them and use the leather with the silicone bottoms and make a fresh pair of shoes I CAN wear out and about. Here is how they turned out. Not your average look, but definitely comfy for me - especially now in the 'cold' of winter. The tops are made with wool, so will help warm me. Also, since they are knitted, I can layer the socks if need be without getting too bound and tight inside (which is the problem with other shoes) Pretty cool, huh?!

I am grateful and happy to have these...

Doings

I have been wanting to go visit friends. However, I come down to thinking of when I would drive and how the kids would handle the schedule change. And schedule change it has been. It started right before Christmas. The boys wanted to stay up (and asked me to, too). I don't know how it happened, but now we are up until 4:00ish and we sleep in until 1:00ish. Yes, you read right : 4am 'till 1pm for sleep time. Now I don't have a problem as long as I can : sleep (my body can't sometimes), have that sleep last for at least 6 hours, and spend time with the other member of our family here : Jeff. For now, it is working, but I'm not sure it's working well. I don't know how long it will last. The boys seem to keep themselves happy doing things they love to do. They bounce from tv, Wii, DS, computer, games and food. I try and interact with them as much as I feel I can and still keep myself present. At this time, me moving around much isn't always in the cards. Yet, we seem to stay busy. Kai has so far completed the game he got for his DS for Christmas *and* the DS game he purchased with his gift money. Kade has been playing cool games on the computer. One in particular requires the player to kind of create what happens. It's called the Powder Game from Dan-Ball. There are different things one can build with, such as cement and bricks. There's water and fire and wind and people and all sorts of things. Anyway, both boys have found themselves playing it. Kade is enjoying the Digital Arts and Crafts Studio he opened on Christmas Eve, too. So he has been creating tons of art.

I have been keeping myself busy by knitting the socks (I am now at the heal of them) and by getting the henna out again. It makes a ton of paste, and I still have yet to be smart enough to make less than a full batch! Anyway, it means I have much to work with ~ and I try to put it on as many people as will let me. This time, as has been explained before, I haven't been with very many people and have been home peacefully asleep when many people are out socializing. As an aside which should have been included in the previous paragraph, I am actually enjoying the quite of the night, I have to admit. OK, well, I put some henna on my hand first. I am hoping to henna a mama belly (with child that is) and this is one flower that may be an option.



I added the 'ring' next.





Then I did a design I took from an idea I found online. I'm still working on alignment and such, but feel I have a handle on how I will do it next time.



In the looking for design on the computer, I read about how henna traditionally has been done with an intent. With this in mind, I heated up the rice socks and braved a design on my foot. I focused on healing and acceptance. We shall see how successful it has been...eventually. I have to say it's tough to apply henna on oneself - especially on one's foot - past a certain age. One must be a pretzel and ambidextrous, of which I am neither. Still, much fun and worth it.

Soup

Well, Kade likes to create. So today he created for me a vegetable soup. He used every veggie we have in the fridge. So this soup has carrot, potato, beet, onion, garlic and rice. Cook for a bit and whatcha know...it's tasty. I added a touch of chili powder to add some heat and some salt and pepper. Kai and Jeff joined in the feast with me. Alas, Kade "hates" vegetables, so we were extra happy for his gift of love.

Obstacles along this journey.

This post is about me. So, if you are looking for news on the boys, or some light-hearted conversation, this post is one you should skip.

I am going to write my thoughts down in hopes that I can then let go and allow positive change to happen.

I have been pain free since January 18, 2008. Until this past month. It started gradually. I did a lot of sand running (pushing Kade 'underdog' on the swing) and my foot started to complain that evening. I thought it was just because I haven't done that type of physical activity in years. But, alas, no. The week that followed was on and off discomfort. This past week, my foot has been "vibrating" or buzzing continuously to varying degrees. I have noticed the cold much faster. When I do get chilly feet, it takes longer for my left foot to warm up. Now, I'm not in constant pain so far - which is good. But what I do feel has set my emotions going.

At first, it was just shock. Shock that after all this time, I am starting to go backwards. Shock that even though I put the foot in the cold stream this spring, in the ocean itself, in the pool water all summer long...shock that my brain is still going haywire.

After shock comes anger and depression. Anger that my body is rejecting normalcy. Anger that it affects my mood. Anger that it affects what I can do. Anger that it affects how I interact with my family. Depression tries to make itself at home...and it's a battle to see the world with fresh eyes. Eyes of love and trust in the universe.

I know that bodies change as they get older. I know that just as I can not expect to have the body I had before children, I can not expect to have the body I had before RSD. I can see my children and be perfectly happy with my postpartum body. I can see the graffiti they have decorated me with...their personal tattoos they have left me. I can see that and celebrate it. I am a mother of two beautiful children. How, now, can I see my post RSD body as beautiful and the way it's supposed to be? I must find the way to make that happen. I will find peace here in me...in this body I have been given.

My anger is also fed by the thought that I had been eating so well, taking good care of my body. So, as my sick logic goes, why work so hard at eating well and taking good care of my body if it doesn't make any difference. Now I know in my head that this reasoning is flawed. I know that eating well does make a difference. I know that taking care of my body makes a difference, too. However, emotions are not known to be logical.

I am also angry to have to admit that I am not all the way healed. This is tough for me. I have spent so many hours in these last few years seeing myself as whole and healed. So much time spent. So many dreams visualized. I had so much time living that reality - 10 long months. 10. That's 3 times as long as the last time I was pain and sensation free. 3 times. I should be happy that it is getting longer in between. I should see this cup as half full, not half empty.

Coming down from a high is never easy.

I need to feel these emotions and let them go.

Now I'm just trying to manage a fall that is not too severe. I want my smile to be immediate and without hesitation. I want to celebrate what I wear - whether or not my feet are free and naked. I want to laugh and play with my children. I want to bask in the warmth that comes from the love Jeff and I share.

I shall revisit the wisdom of Byron Katie.

I will start giving myself a break from all this worry and emotional turmoil.
I will start treating my body better.
I will start eating things that I know are healing.
I will see myself whole...and exactly where I need to be.

My healing journey

I am only posting this because I was asked at the conference what I went through. For those who already know, just skip it! I have been pain free since 1/16/08, so feel like I'm on top of the world! I still have some sensations, but it is few and far between. I wish I knew how to link to a document, but don't so here it is...


March 22, 2007

I’m hoping to get this all together. Not just for you, but for others out there who are suffering from this disease and can’t find any information on alternative treatments.

I was diagnosed with RSD/CRPS about 3 months after an injury to my foot. That was in October of 2004. By the time of the diagnosis I was unable to walk for any period of time. I could not wear shoes and had to make socks that would not fit snuggly and were extra warm. I was in searing pain 24/7. I was not able to have anything on the foot that had weight (such as a blanket while sleeping). I was having intense flare-ups after each shower I took due to the difference in temperature of the water and the air hitting my foot. I was feeling heightened pain sensations when I was near any electronics (so much so that we had to take everything out of the bedroom – including the clock) and I could feel when the refrigerator began running even when sitting in a different room.

In a nutshell, I believe RSD afflicts us because our bodies and minds have been overtaxed and our bodies can’t handle any more traumas. One has to stop exposing the body to toxins as well as stop putting things into the body that are hard for the body to process and eliminate. If more good things go into the body and less bad, the body will be able to cleanse and heal. With this in mind, I have done things to cleanse both my body and spirit – to visualize and see myself as whole and able to maintain balance within. I constantly visualize myself doing everything I wish – pain free and without repercussions of those actions. One of the biggest right now is being able to ride bikes with the kids. I see myself able to run around with them at the park without any hesitation. I have certain shoes I feel on my feet in comfort. Sand in between my toes feels soft!

I have tried many things that have failed. Pain killers only helped for a very limited time and did nothing but take the edge off of the pain. They also made it easier for me to do more than I could reasonably expect and I often paid dearly for it. Pain killers did nothing for the swelling and ultra-sensitivity to touch my foot seemed to have. The warm/cold water baths the physical therapist suggested were absolute torture. It took me at least 2 weeks to come down from those flare-ups (I only did it twice). Most of what the physical therapy did was not effective for the disease, but may have helped keep the muscles from total atrophy. I stopped all formal and/or conventional therapies within the first 4 months. I used a special herb blend to take down the swelling called Bio-Inflammatory Plus by Biogenesis. I was able to get these through a nutritionist in the area.

In my meditations (5 minutes before bed is all I have carved out for myself so far) I confirm that I am whole and complete and healing. I am finding the positive mental healing is there if we dwell in it.

There are things I have physically tried that have helped. These are lymphatic drainage, detox-ing via juicing, quantum touch energy healing, craniosacral work and raw foods.

LYMPHATIC DRAINAGE:
Most massage places will have someone that does lymphatic drainage. It’s the only system in our body that doesn’t have its own pump. When I first went in to get the lymphatic drainage massage, the practitioner said my lymph system had a light pulse at the groin, had no pulse at the knee and was trying to go backwards at the foot/ankle. I went to several sessions until the system was going in the right direction. I have since found those mini trampolines. Bouncing (just an inch up and down) create the ‘pump’ for the lymphatic system. I started with 50 bounces every time I went to the restroom. This meant that I was ‘pumping’ my system many times a day. It’s an amazing feeling and you can tell immediately that it is working because your whole body tingles. You don’t need the trampoline, either; it just makes the bouncing easier when you have RSD in your lower extremities.

DETOX-ING VIA JUICING:
The next step I took toward healing is a whole body detox. I first tried the Master Cleanse by Peter Glickman. I recommend you buy the booklet before trying this one. It’s worth the money to have it on hand. I started the Master Cleanse and within 2 hours was vomiting. My body was so overwhelmed with toxic stuff that it couldn’t handle the onslaught of junk in my system. I stopped immediately and looked for a more gentle start to cleansing. I then found a good juicer and started juicing vegetables 2 times a day and eating a vegetarian dinner. I stayed away from sweets and from anything white (flour, pasta, rice and potatoes). The juicer I started with was the Champion, but I have since been using the Green Star Juicer. I highly recommend the Green Star since it does everything you can ask a juicer to do and does it really well. It will also help you if you decide to eat more of a raw diet. The Green Star will also juice leafy greens and wheat grass. I highly recommend the wheat grass juice for its healing qualities. When I began the juice detox, I started with carrot adding in one of the following: fresh ginger, beet, kale, cucumber or celery. I used the carrot as a base for the others, but you may find in your research that you prefer another juicing method. I was on this juice fast for 21 days. Thereafter, I juiced once a day for about a year. I still try and juice at least 3 times a week.

QUANTUM TOUCH:
Quantum touch has changed how I see healing. When I first heard of the workshops, I told Jeff that it was either the biggest and saddest scam ever or it would be exactly what I needed. Quantum touch funnels life force energy (which is all around us) through one person into another in order to heighten the vibration of the one being ‘worked on’. This heightened vibration amps up the healing ability of the receiver’s body. I took the class the weekend before Halloween 2005 and by the end of the workshop I was able to walk and wear my tights and go trick or treating with the boys. I was totally pain free for almost 2 full months. It did come back, but it has never been as intense as it was. I am not able to run energy on myself effectively, but know that I get some healing as I work on others. I choose one person to work on every day (distance healing) and I have a friend I work on every week in person. I do not put limitations on this type of healing. For some, it heals quickly and they have immediate tangible results. For others, it may take more time for the body to heal. This modality can never hurt you and at a minimum will relax you more so you can deal with the pain. Yet it has the potential to completely heal you.

CRANIOSACRAL THERAPY:
This modality has done tremendous things for my body. I can say it has literally changed my body for the better. I have been able to let go of so much emotional baggage through this and feel as if my soul has been lightened of its load. I believe our body holds onto emotions we haven’t dealt with as well as physical things. Our body has cell memory. We have the ability to let our body go back and heal itself until it has returned to its true state. Craniosacral therapy has healed me both emotionally and physically.

RAW FOODS:
I have come a long way from where I started. Most days I am pain free. I get flare-ups when I do too much, do something new that I am not used to, or when my foot gets chilled/cold. I would say I am 85% pain free at this point. Besides the almost 2 months of pain free time mentioned above, I have only been totally pain free while on a 100% raw foods diet. When I came off the raw foods, I could tell immediately that I was no longer on them. The area on my foot that has RSD was sensitive to the touch again and I began to have flare-ups again. I can’t say enough for the raw foods, as I know my health is and has improved. It is a challenge to maintain a 100% raw diet. I have been raw for 2 months solid and am currently trying to get back on it 100%. It takes great dedication, but must be a bit more doable without having to serve others who are not 100% raw! Most people, from what I gather, fall out of the raw habit about 4 times before they are able to stay 100% raw. There is more out there than just salads and the like. Many recipes are available for free and there are some fabulous raw recipe books. It is so worth the time it takes to change. The recipes are often no more work than a regular cooked meal would be, and there are no pots or pans to clean. For equipment, I recommend getting a really good blender (like KTec), a food processor, and a food dehydrator (9 tray if you can find one). All items can be frozen after prep and then eaten throughout the week. I have to stress this – it’s the only time I have been completely pain and sensation free!

I hope this helps those who are looking for something other than the conventional treatment of RSD. I know our bodies can heal themselves and with help we can cure ourselves of horrendous disease. Believe and live in that reality.

In peace.